All my life, I've been the chubby girl. And that kind of shit follows you in everything you do. Do I like being the way I am? HELL NO! Do I wish I could just snap my fingers and make myself perfect? HELL YES! Because ever since I was little, I've probably had one of the lowest self images of myself. And that's something that also never goes away. Even if I were to lose all the weight that I wanted, I find it hard to think that it would make all the voices that have built up in my head for all of these years.
Needless to say, it bugs the hell out of me when the skinniest people I've ever seen obsess over their weight. Not everybody gets to be nice and thin and I wish the people who the chance to have to not have to try and worry about what they put in their mouth would just SHUT UP! It's fucking obnoxious to hear. I would love to trade bodies if you'd like to actually have something to complain about.
But I'm not going to sit here and tell you that this is all I think about when it comes to appearances. Because it's not. Personally, I think people are too hung up on appearances and that also bugs the hell out of me. Like people legit dont go out with someone if they dont wear 10 pounds of makeup and weigh 100 pounds soaking wet. Those girls have a better chance of getting guys then a girl who's a little overweight will ever have. Even if the skinny girl is boring as hell and the heavier girl has a great personality. Nobody cares about whats on the inside anymore. It's about who looks on your arm. And I think thats a bunch of bullshit.
Society can really fuck up a person's self esteem. I mean, I know it's fucked with mine. Anybody who knows me probably thinks thats a crock of shit. Because on the outside, yeah, I am an outgoing person and I am going to tell you what I'm thinking. But my insides dont match my outside. On the inside, sometimes I feel like I'm just a train wreck waiting to happen sometimes.Only a choice few people know that side of me. I dont like letting that side out often. Cause once I do, it ALL comes out.
But here's what i have promised myself: Try not to dwell on stupid shit that I cant change. I cant change the whole male population's single minded obsession with looks. Is it still going to bug the hell out of me? You bet it is. I cant change the fact that super skinny girls think they're just as fat as me. Everyone is apparently critical of themselves and nobodys going to change that either. I've also promised myself to not let my setbacks keep me bounded. I've also promised myself to find an outlet to let my feelings out and to not hold them in anymore. Cause things could get real ugly real fast if I just let my emotions get all bottled up inside.
WHAT I HOPE IS THAT EVERYONE HAS SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO... NO MATTER WHAT TIME OF DAY IT IS! I know I definitely have that person in my life. I mean recently, I had him up until 1:30 in the morning because I could not sleep. I mean I feel like a pile of shit because I kept him up so late. But he tells me he really didn't mind. Didn't make me feel any less horrible for doing it :/
But I would like to personally thank him for putting up with my sorry ass. Thank you Blaine for listening to all my shit the past couple of days. You're like the best friend a person could ask for. Thanks for making me feel better after these past couple of days which have been shitty as hell. I only hope I can do the same for you one day if you ever need someone to talk to into the wee hours of the night. Everybody deserves a friend like you. I told you things I dont tell anyone and I know you're not going to go behind my back and tell everyone you know. Cause that's not the kind of person you are and I appreciate you for that. <3
Well anywho, there's my rant for the day :) feels good to get stuff off my chest sometimes.
LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE <3 Micheala<3
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